Sunday, February 17, 2013

Okay day

Today was a better day.  Last night I took an allergy pill that makes me sleep. Had a couple of weird dreams that I can't remember, but this pill makes me wake up before dawn. So I have to force myself to go back to bed.

When I woke back up, I ate a couple oranges and drank a glass of water. I would have made a soda but this new app I have to "count my calories" and log all my calories I've burned, makes me feel bad for having soda or any other junk food. I guess that's a good thing because today I haven't touched any soda. As for junk, well I'm working on it. I mean I haven't ate any junk food snacks, but I did eat couple slices of pizzas.

The thing I have on my mind is that I text my mom on Valentine's Day, and never heard anything back. I know she's okay because I would hope to get a call from one of my sisters.

I now know my friend from down the street is mad at me because I tried calling her several times and she doesn't pick up. All I have to say is oh well. Don't get me wrong, I'm sorry for whatever I did but I'm just sick walking on egg shells with her. Well, I'm sorry for the short post tonight! Like anyone in cyberspace is out there is reading this. If you are out there, please feel free to follow, or comment or whatever. Just don't hate! LOL Because I'm trying to better myself, one day at a time!

Saturday, February 16, 2013


Today was going good. Been trapped in the house for a couple of days because I got laid off at work. Been applying everywhere, nothing is biting. So anyway, I got up, I seen my uncle (I'm not going mention names, if I do, they won't be their real names). I seen him working on stuff, asked him if he needed any help, he told me no he's just doing this little bit. So I just went on my way. I figured, "hey, I offered!" I noticed he was doing yard stuff, I was thinking of asking if he needed any help, but my thought process that I did asked once so he knows I'm willing to help. I don't know that he actually knows that I will do whatever work is necessary. Because my uncle is a good, hard working man!

Let me tell you something before I get "deep".  I love my family and friends very much, I would do anything for them. But I'm fighting with depression, since not working and all. I feel guilty for not pulling my weight around here, so I have thoughts about suicide sometimes. No not suicidal thoughts, just thoughts of "wouldn't the world be a better place" or "would they be better off without me". I eventually have positive thoughts that "tell" those thoughts to shut the hell up.

I hope that is good enough to say that I'm not a cold heartless person. I think I just need someone to hear me out from time to time. And hear everything.

I decided to write this blog instead of posting to Facebook, because truth to be told, I hate reading a long status about some poor soul's horrible day.

So back to my day. After the uncle story, I get on Facebook, I had seen my friend had a status about her moving in but still isn't settled. Yesterday she had a post about moving. Instead of sending her a text, I commented, "Where". She replied that she was moving in with a friend who was in the same town. I thought to myself, okay she just doesn't want her ex to know where.
Today came and I seen that post and one of our mutual friends comment with the same question, "where to?" She replied with the name of that friend. I was kind of pissed off because of the history we have and the history our mutual friend had.

I don't know why I was so pissed. Just something in my head set me off. I think because I'm feeling lonely, like no friends kind of lonely. I know this girl is just going through some hard shit right now and I'm sorry I felt this way.

Between these 2 women, there was always drama. I don't know what the status of my friendship with any of my friends at the moment. I'm not sure if I have any friends.

That girl kept saying that I'm like her brother. Is that really true? Because in my eyes it's like I'm on the outside looking in. I'm knocking, but people are hiding behind things pretending they're not there.

I feel a lot better. I was going to share my feelings what happened at 8, the whole reason I started this blog. I feel as though I don't need to. I still feel the same way, but I feel like one of the weights been lifted off of me.